Welcome to a brand new year! Ah, January! You minx. You’re like an awesome trailer for a terrible movie. A hideous crone covered in the optimism it has sucked from the bones of several dozen cheerful woodland gnomes.

Sorry. Is the Macalope starting the year too cynically for you? Well, that’s bound to happen when the number one fan of the iPhone mini reads a headline like this.

“iPhone Sizes to Change Next Year: What to Know”

An optimist might say “Ah! Perhaps they will provide a wider range of size options, thereby satisfying people who might want a smaller phone but were shut out of the market when Apple discontinued the—“

And at this point, an iPhone mini fan would hit them in the face with a flounder.

Because we know what this means. And it’s not that Apple’s going to offer a smaller phone again. No, iPhones are going to get even bigger.

The iPhone 16 Pro models will have notably larger display sizes than the current iPhone 15 Pro models.

Told you. Also, the Macalope had obviously read the article before pulling that quote.

At this point, though, the Macalope is starting to feel like this is a form of targeted harassment. It can’t be a coincidence that this rumor appears just a month after this mythical beast wrote yet another paean to the iPhone mini.

The Macalope: “The iPhone mini is the best form factor!”

Tim Cook: “Make the phones even bigger.”

Okay, Okay, it 100 percent is a coincidence and Tim Cook probably doesn’t ever speak in the sonorous and foreboding tone he imagined Cook using to deliver that line, like an eastern European gangster talking through a tuba.

Apple doesn’t report sales figures anymore and even when it did it didn’t break them out by device, so we’ll never know for sure how well the iPhone mini 12 and 13 sold. The guesses of analysts seem to indicate sales of the diminutive devices were not great, with the mini 12 making up about 6 percent of iPhone sales and the 13 mini just 3 percent.

Well, then, it must be that people hate small phones. So ominous Tim Cook is right! Nothing to do but keep making them bigger and bigger until they’re iPads.

Case closed.

But do people hate small phones? Or do people just want the best phones? Because when Apple discontinued the iPhone mini, sales of the non-Pro iPhones also disappointed. The Macalope isn’t exactly sure whose couch cushions people are getting all this money from, but it seems like most people just want the best camera in the fastest device with all the cool new features.

The horny one doesn’t get to make iPhone lineup decisions. Clearly. And that’s probably for the best. But he’s gonna float this suggestion just because… well, because he’s going to keep floating ideas until Apple makes a smaller phone again, that’s why.

What if Apple stopped shipping two lines in the fall? It hasn’t always. The company seems to like the SE pretty well and that model nicely suits people who want an iPhone but don’t want to pay a lot for one. So instead of shipping two lines in the fall, just ship the Pro… but in three sizes: mini, standard, and Max. All would have the best cameras, fastest processors, and newest features. Then, in the spring…

Actually, if Apple’s shipping a Pro mini in the fall the Macalope doesn’t care what it does in the spring, but he guesses he’d better finish out this suggestion. In the spring, you ship a lower-cost line in two sizes, taking the place of both the SE and non-Pro models.

As the Macalope noted a month ago, there is some mild evidence that despite the minis’ less-than-stellar sales performance, the Japanese market has a higher preference for smaller iPhones. Instead of forcing people into larger and larger phones to get features, why not give them the device they want with the features they want?

Surely there is a spreadsheet somewhere at Apple Park laughing at the Macalope’s utterly basic suggestion, with a dozen blinking cells indicating why it won’t work. That’s okay. He’ll probably come up with another suggestion for them to sell smaller phones again in about six months.